No, I don’t want a ‘do-over’

I did it the way it is supposed to happen:

I got married.

I had a baby.

I had the perfect little family forever and ever.

 Making memories – taking lots of pictures – trying to be the happiest family on the block.

But low and behold, life just wasn’t as happy as it seemed.  It wasn’t totally terrible; I mean he didn’t hit me, fight with me or cheat on me.  He was home every evening after work…oh yeah, he worked.  He didn’t do drugs (but did like to drink – hey so did I).  For the most part, he went along with everything.

So what happened!?!  Maybe one day I just realize I could be much happier without him and I deserved to be much happier.  Even though life wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t grand.  Why didn’t he treat me like a queen?  Why didn’t he do something special for me without being prodded?  Why didn’t he really love me?

Enough was enough!

 “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I realize, after all these years of MAKING it work because we have a child together, it is more beneficial for my daughter if we divorce and go find what makes us happy.  And it is obvious you don’t want to be in this relationship.”

I guess he was finally ready to get divorced because he agreed and didn’t make promises of change he couldn’t keep.  Wow – now what?  Every time I threatened divorce I was hoping to be treated like he really cared about me.  But I was wrong and this time there was no threat, it was real.

 There are days I feel terrible for giving up, for ruining the perfect life, for being a disappointment to my family and friends, to ruining all the memories we could have had and for being a failure.

Then there are days I am so relieved to not have to feel unwanted, to not have to do everything for everybody, to not have to pretend everything is great when you barely would talk to me, and to know I have the power to shape my world and not let you stop me.

Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married; maybe we were all wrong for each other.  We were young and in love.  If only I could go back knowing what I know now.  Just because you have things in common and feel love for each other does not mean you are meant to raise a family.

We had some good times together and we had some bad times together.  We were best friends for 15 years.  Now you barely talk to me.  When I get upset I just tell myself I wouldn’t be where I am today without my past!  And I like where I am today!

Had I never married you, I would not have the precious baby I call my world.  She would not be who she is without you being the other half.  I love her so much and I thank you for giving her to me.

~MommaJuli